#swagger

to become so beautiful that pictures of myself
fill me with a moment of involuntary hatred
to sculpt my body with the chisel of sweat and self-­abasement
to make of my perfect quiff a piggy bank
for to keep the patina’d copper pennies of time I could have spent on making poems
could have spent on making love but spent instead on making myself
a different self a useless self that sits on a shelf looking beautiful

to swagger so hard that the world swaggers with me
to drag the depths of swagger and find some forgotten bauble to call my own.
to suck swagger through a straw from all the way down the block
a swagger so thick it gaunts my cheeks to suck it

to be the billion-­dollar remake of my father.
to remember his beard and his hard face his thrift store clothes
and think yeah that was good but what if
it had more CGI explosions            what if it had more tits

to dole out drips of clickable wisdom
one hashtag at a time: tips for living your crispiest life
to discover something bloodier than diamonds
and discover something more than an arm and leg to charge for it.
to bathe in champagne or the blood of the innocent there is no difference
when you know you’re on your grind—when you’re really killing it

11 Weird Home Security Lifehacks You Can Try Right Now

1.
Never lock the front door. Let it swing
unfettered as a show of confidence.

2.
Keep your piece loaded and easily accessible
on a coffee table or a night stand.
Keep guns out of reach of children:
lock the children up.

3.
Label medications
incorrectly
to confuse thieves into overdosing if they make it
past the bear traps in your foyer.

4.
Keep to the old ways:
a young lamb’s blood
smeared across the doorway will spare
your firstborn the fury of he who is called I Am.

5.
These are desperate times: always be
the most desperate guy in the room.

6.
[animated .GIF of Jack Nicholson as
The Joker asking where does he get
those wonderful toys?] [.JPG of recent issues of Guns and
Ammo spread out on camo-print sheets]

7.
Unburden your young soul by blood-letting
at regular intervals; a laden heart creeps
too slowly when the heaving beasts approach.

8.
Never trust a liberal over three or a conservative
over thirty. Reserve judgement
for the Lord in all other instances.

9.
Wave goodbye to someone
imaginary inside every time you leave your home—
loneliness strikes when you least expect it.

10.
Be born into the middle
of an epoch you idiot never
at the beginning and for god’s sake never at the end.

11.
[animated .GIF of Leo
DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby lifting a glass and looking
you directly in the eye smirking knowingly
as fireworks explode behind him]

7 Mindblowing Facts You Didn’t Know About John Wayne

John Wayne was gay
for one man:                Uncle Sam.
Their turbulent affair spanned several decades,
until John Wayne’s death. He died in Sam’s arms.

If John Wayne went a day
without riding, his horse
would cry in the bathroom, wonder
what it did wrong.

Uncle Sam would later describe
John Wayne as “the one
that got away, heh” before turning
his face from the camera and ending the interview.

John Wayne owned an Arby’s franchise
for over 30 years,        but would never
say which one: he wanted it to stand
on its own merits.

John Wayne wore special shoes
not because his feet were freakishly tiny
but because they were made            of antimatter
and could kill us all if not contained.

This also explains
The Duke’s signature walk:
he had the full fury of the unknown universe
exploding underneath his every step

John Wayne did           kegel exercises
24/7. That weird cadence to his speech?
Between each word, he was flexing
his pelvic floor.

Black Ice Driving Guide

Robert Ford and Jack Ruby Sit Down For A Drink

and each assassin’s hands shake
as he reaches for his glass each unsure
of the other’s intentions even now
that nothing could harm them.

Theirs is an unease unknown
to most—when you have killed
a killer all four walls resent you
even those your picture should be hung from.

And behind the bar I pretend not to notice
the meeting taking place—faces
snub-nosed and immediately familiar
the low words they intone between them—

I take comfort in the Cobra tucked away
in my coat pocket. I clean the shot
glasses overturn the stools to the bar-top’s smooth surface.
It is otherwise a slow night and I’d like to go home as soon as I can.

The Apocalypse Friends You On Facebook

and you’re pretty sure you’ve seen it around so you click confirm
but when you finally see it at the bar that night with some mutual friends
you realize that you really only recognized The Apocalypse
from photos these friends had posted that you had only ever seen it
around your news feed and does that count as Knowing Each Other?

This becomes the humorous facet of modern life
that you and The Apocalypse start a conversation over.
So now it doesn’t matter. But this isn’t funny enough as an anecdote
about how you and The Apocalypse met to get this story told.

As far as anyone knows you and The Apocalypse have always been friends
and soon you realize it has been a very long time since anyone has asked you
How do you two know each other?
and soon you realize it has been a very long time since anyone has asked anyone
How do you two know each other?
and soon you realize it has been a very long time

This Woman Breastfeeds in Public, You Won’t Believe What Happens Next

ma’am you must
cover that baby’s head
if there’s a tit under there

what if some poor man
looks past your infant’s skull
to a glimpse of your areola

and pops a goddamn boner
and cannot be controlled
and security has to be called

and smashes in his tumescent rage
Dan’s glasses—Dan is our security chief—
and Dan has really bad eyes and those cost

a lot to replace. And Dan has a family
to feed his kid’s got lupus—LUPUS, okay?
and that would be your bad that’s on you

do you really want
that kind of fiasco
on your hands, ma’am? be reasonable.